11 Awesome Things Drill Sergeants Say

Dan Caddy, a sergeant first class with the Vermont Army National Guard, has just published Awesome Sh*t My Drill Sergeant Said: Wit and Wisdom from America's Finest, a book based on his wildly popular (832K & counting!) Facebook page of the same name. If you're one of those folks who pretends that military life is something like Sunday School, stay away: both the book and the web page are hilariously profane. Here are eleven highlights from the book, specially selected to protect some of our more delicate readers.

1. "If you're having trouble sleeping tonight, privates, whatever you do, don't think about the fact that your parents are probably having sex in your old bedroom because your water-headed ass is finally gone."

2. "Don't call me sir, I work for a living! And my parents were not related!"

3. "I want that toilet seat so clean I can make a sandwich on it!"

4. "What did you shave with, private? A bowl of milk and an angry cat?"

5. "I do not discriminate. If my own mother was in basic training, I'd smoke her ass too!"

6. "Private, you look like a can of biscuits that's just popped open."

7. "You're about as sharp as the leading edge on a bowling ball."

8. "Your tears are like jet fuel to me: if I could bottle them, I'd take them home."

9. "Privates, all I do is eat gunpowder and run."

10. "Do an about-face, a left face, and get outta my face."

11. "Private, go away, you smell like failure and corn chips."

Of course, after passing over the entries that drop F-bombs, these 11 were pretty much all that was left. If you can handle a little lot of profanity, Awesome Sh*t My Drill Sergeant Said is an awesome read.