Facing conflict is never fun, whether it’s at work, in our personal lives, on social media or elsewhere. When we encounter a disagreement, we can easily blur the lines between logic and emotion and fail to find a path forward that works for everyone involved.
It might be argued that conflict is inevitable: People misunderstand, priorities shift, stress affects our emotions, and situations outside our control can make us feel vulnerable. When conflicts arise, it matters how we navigate through them to find solutions.
At work, conflict resolution gets tricky because on the one hand, we should feel we can stand up for ourselves, yet sometimes protocols require us to engage differently to stay “professional.” In these cases, I recommend focusing on negotiation and not debating.
Let me explain. I spoke with a coaching client who shared a recent conflict he’d experienced with someone on his team. Both people believed they were in the right and justified in their opinion. My client went so far as to pull up data and research to back up his position. “In the end,” he told me, “I knew I was right and deserved to win.”
When we focus on winning -- on coming out victorious -- then that means someone else is losing. In this case, what my client did was more than discuss his points (which he believed were valid); he debated the facts of the case, much like a lawyer might present to a jury. When the goal is to have a winner and a loser, where one person feels like the champion and the other isn’t, the goal of teamwork is thwarted.
Instead, consider adopting a negotiation mindset. Here are some tips to deal with conflict that allow both parties to feel whole with the outcome:
1. Listen Without Judgment
This surely can be easier said than done. But when the other person is trying to express their concerns and frustrations or challenge you, try to see whether they have any valid points. Maybe there’s something you missed that’s important here.
2. Consider Their Emotions
It can be distracting when someone becomes so impassioned in their argument that it feels as though logic is absent. But emotions can reveal a lot. Why does this person care so much about the issue? Is there something they see that you can’t (or won’t) because of their vantage point? What is their emotion telling you about what’s happening here?
3. Stay Calm
Again, also a difficult one. If the other person is growing agitated and animated, things can escalate quickly. Take deep breaths, distract yourself by looking away for a moment, or if you can’t calm yourself, then ask for a “timeout.” Use this time to take a short walk or pray/meditate/journal and then come back to the conversation when you can think clearly.
4. Use ‘Feel-Felt-Found’
This technique can be very helpful in stressful situations. When someone tells you what’s going on for them -- whether you agree or find it valid or not -- first say, “I understand how you feel,” or “I understand how that can make you feel.” Doing this acknowledges their emotion.
Then follow with something like, “I’m sure others have felt the same way …,” letting them know they’re not alone. This comforts them. Finally add, “Here’s what I’ve found …,” and explain how you see things. This simple formula can calm down many heated disagreements.
When you find yourself in conflict at work, remember that it’s not a zero-sum game. Finding middle ground, a way to both get what you need and continue to work together harmoniously should be the goal. Not winning at all costs.
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