Dear Ms. Vicki,
I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years, and I have been living with him for eight years. I'm ready to get married, but he won't budge.
I'm 35 years old! I'm ready to start popping out some babies before my eggs become hard-boiled.
I love him to death and I want to be his wife, but he keeps introducing me as "wife-ee." I want to be his "wife."
Should I feel good when he calls me "wife-ee?" Is this a compliment?
I'm tired of everyone asking me when he will pop the question and give me a ring. I've been the bridesmaid too many times, and now I'm ready to be the one walking down the aisle.
I have traveled with this man to several duty stations. Now, I'm stuck in Fort Stewart, Georgia. This is Nowhereland, Ms. Vicki.
My mother keeps asking if I am crazy and why am I doing this. She is so upset with me.
I just can't see me doing this again. I think I am at the end of the long road with this relationship.
Will I be wrong if I start asking him what his intentions are? You won't hurt my feelings, Ms. Vicki.
-- I Can Handle It
Dear Handle It,
No, he won't marry you! You see, you have passed the threshold of marrying and now he is very comfortable.
Every time you mention marriage, he will now get defensive and say things like, "Please stop rushing me." He may even tell you that you are insecure.
He might even drop that famous line: "A marriage license doesn't make a marriage -- I feel like I'm already married to you." Maybe you have heard some of these lines before!
Now, a marriage license probably doesn't make a marriage, but "common law" wives don't get military ID cards and access to health care.
Listen, this guy has bivouacked (an Army term that means he's hunkered down and set up camp) with you. He's cool with things just like they are.
You are uncomfortable. You are ready for marriage, ready to be a wife. However, he wants you to be "wife-ee."
This is something that I want all women to understand. "Wife-ee" is a term to describe a woman who is good to hook up with, to be a part of the team. A "wife-ee" is good to just lay up with, take places and live with her too -- but you don't marry her. Get my point?
Now, he may say that you are forcing him into marriage, but you need answers. He has to define the relationship.
You have sacrificed and given up a lot for this man. He should be willing to let you know where you are on his priority list.
He may tell you that he is not marrying you -- not now and not later. Then you have to pack up and keep it moving.
If he says that he will marry you, you don't need a long engagement. Jeesh, you have lived with this man for eight years. You should get a marriage license and let your minister marry you in a hurry. Why wait another year or two to plan a wedding?
See what I'm mean? I don't mean to be rude, but I'm serious. My grandmother would say you have given him too much free milk.
Let me know what you decide to do.
-- Ms. Vicki
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