Ms. Vicki: Grandma Concerned About Trouble at Home

Dear Ms. Vicki,

I am a grandmother of two beautiful little boys (ages 1 and 3). Their father has been deployed for most of their little lives. He was not good at keeping in touch with them at all and unfortunately, they do not know him. Even when he was around, he was not really there and did not pay attention so they never made a real attachment to him.

He just returned from Afghanistan after being gone for a year with hardly any contact. He now has very little contact with the children and tries to call now and then, but says about two words at a time and does not keep the 3-year old's attention. The little guy just wants to say "Bye" and go play.

He just has no clue who "Daddy" is and has no interest. This is not because he doesn't understand the phone, because he will talk to people he knows. My daughter has custody of the children and her ex-husband has supervised visits until he makes some kind of relationship with them.

This would be great, but now we are concerned because he makes comments about a possible brain injury from his last deployment where he suffered minor physical injuries but possibly more serious psychological injuries. He has not told his CO about his nervous condition whenever he hears loud noises.

My daughter wants him to have a psychological examination before any unsupervised visits take place because she already has other concerns about how he will deal with the children while in his care besides his claim of nervousness. How would she go about making sure this is done?

Also, this father is talking about being finished with the Army in two years. His track record is not so good with caring for these children. He is very aggressive if anyone tries to wake him; he is in another world and has let his child fall from his lap. (He melts into television or daydreams and is not aware of what is going on around him), he is oblivious when his son is trying to talk to him or play with him. He appears to be a very detached person.

I'm not sure if this father has had issues from his first deployment to Iraq that have not been dealt with but it is very scary to think that he may have these children alone.

What steps should my daughter take to make sure that her children are safe?

Sincerely,

Grandmother

Dear Grandmother,

I can understand your concerns for your grandchildren. You absolutely have every right to advocate for their care and safety. I applaud you for that. On the other hand, I will be careful not to imply that every service member with combat stress and/or PTSD will do harm to their children.

My question is: Who is currently supervising the visits and who authorized it? Was it court-ordered supervision? If so, I would voice some concerns there. Two things: First, you can't make someone get treatment, especially if they have not done anything gravely inappropriate or illegal. Conversely, no one can stop you from voicing your concerns to his chain of command or to Child Protective Services. That's your right too.

There are many measures put in place to help identify servicemembers with combat stress-related reactions. Upon redeployment it is mandatory that he attends post-deployment health reassessment. In these assessments service members are asked many questions to help identify concerns so they can be referred for further services. If he is having difficulties at work his command should also make note of this and refer him.

In an ideal situation the servicemember should self-refer to their primary care physician, who would then make referrals for them to go to behavioral health or they could simply go to behavioral health on their own for assistance. If your ex-son-in-law has family, i.e. parents, siblings or any other family members that have a relationship with him, perhaps your daughter could reach out to them and they could also talk to him and be supportive too.

Again, if you have concerns you can begin to voice them to his command, to the court, and to CPS. You have every right to. Please stay in touch with updates.

Sincerely,

Ms. Vicki

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