Dear Ms. Vicki,
My name is Sally. I am 20 years old, and I need your help.
I have gone through many ups and downs with my husband since we were in high school. Our relationship was good until I noticed he is a compulsive liar. I found out he has been messaging another woman with nasty messages and pictures.
This isn't the first time he has done this. After the first time, he promised me he wasn't going to do it again. He said he loves me and that he wants to be with me, so I forgave him and moved in with him.
I am currently in North Carolina, and he is deployed overseas. When I recently found emails from this latest girl, I confronted him and he said it was nothing serious. He said he has never met her and he knows her because she adopted him through this thing called "adopt a soldier" that his sergeant made him sign up for to get free care packages.
I didn't like the idea, but I had to be OK with it because he said he couldn't do anything about it.
I am so hurt, and I just have no trust in him anymore, but I still love him. He said he was going to talk to the chaplain to get help while he's away.
I have no way to talk to him, and I just feel like he's doing things behind my back. I'm scared, embarrassed and disappointed, and feel broken. I don't know what to do.
I am tired of being lied to, but I can't seem to move on because he has been my only guy since high school and I feel like I have already invested so much in the relationship.
I want help to communicate better with him even though he hasn't been communicating with me. I don't know what to believe anymore, and I just don't know what to do.
Please tell me if there's a way he can get rid of his compulsive lying problem and what I can do to trust him again. I hope to hear from you.
-- Sally
Dear Sally,
I'm so glad you took the time to write to me. It sounds like you are going through a lot in your marriage. Many relationships have their ups and downs; however, you have a lot of warning signs in your marriage.
These things tell me that there are major problems that could cause the marriage to come to an end.
Your husband was your first everything, and you are still emotionally attached to him because of that. You have to learn how to take your emotions out of it and look at the facts. For example, he continues to lie to you, and he has you on an emotional roller coaster. You are waiting to discover his next lie or for the next big event to happen.
As you can see, he will do as he pleases, so stop waiting for the next event. You have given him everything. This is not good, and it's the major reason you are so exhausted. You have to save something for you.
You can't stop him from lying. His lying and cheating has nothing to do with you. These are choices he is making. You may be trying to communicate better, trying to be a better wife, and on and on and on, but he will still be lying, cheating and covering his tracks until you discover the truth.
Stop being the checker, stop snooping and stop spying on him. This has caused you to lose your self-esteem and self-worth.
No one can make your husband sign up for an email pal or whatever just to get care packages. Besides that, your husband is the one responsible for keeping any relationship on a platonic level.
You can stay with your husband if you choose but, either way, you need therapy. I'm sure there are services available on base or you can contact Military OneSource and they will connect you to a therapist in your local area.
Most importantly, it's time for you to start focusing on you. Build a network of friends for support, continue your education and work full-time or part-time. These things will help to increase your self-esteem and self-worth.
Please let me hear from you again.
-- Ms. Vicki
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