Dear Ms. Vicki,
I recently discovered that my wife is bisexual. She left her email up by mistake.
I read a ton of your letters and I know you always say people shouldn't snoop on the person they love, but I wasn't snooping. We are sharing a home computer, and I couldn't help but notice the opening line of the email that was sent to her. It said "I need you now." At first, I thought this was an email she had sent to me, but when I read a little closer I realized it was from her lover.
It looks like this has been going on for a long time behind my back. This woman who my wife has been loving on has a husband who is in the same battalion as me and I know him.
I guess funny things happen on these small Army posts in the middle of nowhere. When the men are away, the wives will play -- and I do mean play with each other. I may be using humor, but finding this out cuts me deep like a knife in the chest. She's been carrying on behind my back, maybe in front of our two children, for all I know.
As you would say, here's the deal: I confronted her. And my wife of six years told me that making love to another woman doesn't count. She said I shouldn't be upset with her. She said I should be mad if I discovered she was with another man, but not a woman. She said she can cut off the relationship with the other woman if I want her to.
I don't know why she couldn't see the rage on my face. It's been two weeks since I found out.
Ms. Vicki, should I be mad? Should I confront the other woman and let her husband know? I hope you can give me some advice soon.
-- Mel
Dear Mel,
I read your letter, and the first thing I cued in on was the word rage. First, calm down -- way down. I don't want you to be at the point of rage.
Being mad or angry is a normal emotion that everyone feels. I know people feel rage too, but it's a different connotation. When you use rage, I see something harmful that could happen if you remain at this level.
I also hear you saying that you are in shock about what you discovered. I can understand that. It would be normal to go through many emotions after discovering that your spouse is cheating with anyone, be it a man or a woman. That's the thing -- man or woman, it's cheating.
What concerns me about your wife is that she is not accepting any responsibility for her actions. She talking like she's 10 years old or something. Like, it just happened.
To answer more of your questions, I generally say that people shouldn't confront the other person or the other person's spouse. The reason is that you have problems in your marriage that deserve your focus of attention. I'm not saying the other husband shouldn't know, just that I don't think you should be the one to tell him. I know there are many people who will disagree with me.
I think you need to decide if you want to stay in a marriage with someone who cheats, is subject to cheat again with someone else and may never take responsibility for her behavior.
In other words, you have to ask yourself if you can trust her. If you can't trust her, you can't be with her. You will find yourself becoming the checker. You will check her cell phone, her emails and other social networks. In the end, you will lose your self-esteem and your self-worth. I don't thinks it's worth it.
Lastly, I would highly recommend that you and your wife get marriage counseling immediately. Check on post for services. If none are available, contact Military OneSource and they will connect you with a therapist in your community.
Please keep in touch with me.
-- Ms. Vicki
Keep Up with the Ins and Outs of Military Life
For the latest military news and tips on military family benefits and more, subscribe to Military.com and have the information you need delivered directly to your inbox.
