Dear Ms. Vicki,
My husband and I have been married for three years. When we married, we made the agreement to live separately -- temporarily -- to give me time to finish nursing school and my eldest daughter time to graduate. His duty station was four hours away.
Now that he has moved to a duty station 13 hours away, he has called all bets off and wants everyone to drop everything and move to be with him.
My eldest daughter is a junior in high school, and this would cause her to change schools her senior year. My daughter is a total introvert, and this would be quite difficult.
There are no nursing schools for me to attend where he is, not to mention the loss of credits I would suffer. It would pose a financial strain on me because the job market is so poor there.
I am asking him for one more year for me and the girls, but he is refusing. He says if we don't move out there by this summer, he and I are over.
No matter what compromise I offer, he refuses. He is being totally inflexible. He has even said that if I am not going to come out to stay permanently, he prefers me not to visit.
Am I wrong for feeling that my husband is being unfair and unreasonable? I want our marriage to work, and we have been apart for a long time. If we made it this far, one year to achieve major goals should not be too much to ask. Or is it?
Yours truly,
Mama Doesn't Always Know Best
Dear Mama,
I don't think you are being unreasonable. It's one more year for you to complete nursing school and for your daughter to graduate.
Transitions can be very tough on military children. This could be a terrible experience for your daughter, given her temperament and enrolling in a new school in her senior year.
We were fortunate, having children and handling all of the PCS moves. Our sons loved it, but they are very extroverted. I know many people whose children have experienced the opposite. Moving has caused them to become more introverted and even depressed.
Just thinking of your daughter, I don't blame you if you stay where you are to give her time to graduate.
You are in nursing school, fulfilling a desire that you've had for a long time. Moreover, you are almost at the finish line. Therefore, if you move now, you will have to wait to finish because you said there are no nursing schools near his base and, if you enroll somewhere else, you will definitely lose credits.
As a result, I totally understand that you want to finish nursing school where you are. Having a nursing degree and your license will open up many doors for you. It will be the perfect portable degree for a military spouse, and you may consider higher education in nursing as well. The occupational outlook and the pay are great.
This brings me to my next point: Surely your husband knows there is a lot at stake here. I think he understands the concerns for your daughter, but I think he may have some more fears where you are concerned.
I think you should try to explore any fears he may have. For example, some men don't like it when their wives are capable of earning great salaries that may be comparable to or more than theirs. Maybe your husband fears he may become less important the more education you earn and the more income you earn.
He may even have a fear that you are being unfaithful so he is being unreasonable about you moving where he is. He might just be lonely for you.
I don't know what the reason or the answer is. I do think he is being unreasonable when this is a very dire situation and very important. Let me know what you decide to do.
Sincerely,
Ms. Vicki
