Dear Ms. Vicki,
The night before my Army husband was to return to South Korea, he told me that he had kissed another woman. I forgave him, only to find out sometime later from the other woman that it was more than just a kiss.
I thought I had forgiven him, but I'm having trouble trusting him. I friended him on Facebook as another woman to see if he would tell her/me that he has a family. He did tell the "Facebook woman" about his family, but he was still willing to meet her at a hotel when he came home from Korea.
When I told him this "Facebook woman" had contacted me, he tried to make it seem like she was stalking him. He did not know it was me he was talking to all along.
I love him very much. I want to go to counseling and talk with someone, but I don't think he will be willing to go.
I would like our marriage to work out not only for me, but for the sake of our kids and the child we are currently having. I just don't know if any advice would be helpful.
-- Desperately Seeking Help
Dear Desperate,
You forgave your husband for the affair he had in Korea, but then you decided to send him a "fake invite" posing as another woman. And he took the bait.
This is not good. Not only is he is still lying and trying to hook up with people online, but now you don't trust him as far as you can throw him -- and I don't blame you.
Listen, I see trouble on the horizon. Your husband needs an intervention and quick. He is wrong for what he did. If he wants his marriage to work, he cannot refuse to go to counseling since you are willing to forgive him and move forward.
Sometimes, you can stay in a marriage for the sake of your children. But as time passes, you realize your children have witnessed an unhappy mother. They have only seen a couple who argue, fuss and fight. They have been raised in a house where one or both partners are being unfaithful.
This is not an example to give a child. Children need to see happy, healthy parents who are working hard for their relationships.
Yes, every marriage or relationship will have ups and downs. Couples will experience their share of disagreements. However, your children have to see a couple who solve conflict in a mature manner.
Maybe your marriage can last. Or maybe you married a man who will not be faithful to you and will not stay. You cannot allow him to break you down so far that you start "setting him up" to test his commitment to you. This will destroy who you are from the inside out.
I suggest marriage counseling for you and your husband and also individual counseling for you. I think you need the additional support. Please write me back and let me know how you are doing.
-- Ms. Vicki
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