Dear Ms. Vicki,
I'm 31 and have a Marine veteran friend who is 37. I am currently going through a divorce; I will have my divorce papers soon. My ex and I have two boys together.
Me and my friend have been seeing each other for eight months and spending a lot of time together. (Mind you, I have been separated from my husband for a long time.) We even have a sexual friendship, with feelings involved on my part. I put it like this: He is a real man compared to my ex-husband (who I have been married to for five years, with six years together before that).
When I met my friend, he was my first true love. I have never felt so good in my life. He has showered me with gifts as surprises, taken me places that I have never been, done things with me that I have never done before -- just changed my life. He has met my kids twice and they like him, but I told them that he's "mommy's friend."
My friend knew I am separated but not divorced, and we still continued our friendship with benefits. One day, he started to get upset because he said he had fallen in love with me and likes me, but he knows he can't really get me all the way because I'm still married.
Before all this, he would get upset through texts and would tell me that I don't listen to him on things. He tells me that I have an anger issue when things don't go my way. He has told me when I cry it doesn't affect him because his mind is designed to show no sympathy since he was in the Marines. He says he doesn't have feelings, but I know he does.
Am I right or wrong in this?
Please help me and give me some answers.
-- Looking for Answers
Dear Answers,
I understand this Marine is the one true love of your life. However, it sounds like everything is going south really quickly. Perhaps he was only interested in the "friends with benefits" status and now he's moving on. After all, you said he knew you were married, but divorcing -- right? So what's the problem?
Red lights always flash for me when a relationship has anger and escalation so quickly. At this point, you should be in a good place with him instead of a bad one. You also have to consider that he says he doesn't know how to show his feelings and he doesn't show sympathy. Why would you want to be with someone like that? Don't you want compassion for you and your children? So he showers you with gifts every now and then and the sex is great. If that is all you want, then keep him.
In my opinion, you should focus on your children first. I have to think of them because they are helpless in your relationships, which can adversely affect them.
Your Marine boyfriend does not sound very stable. I would let him go. Continue on with your divorce too because it also sounds like you were very unhappy with your husband. I know you love your children, so focus on building a life for you and them. If and when Mr. Right comes along, you will be in a good place to accept him.
Lastly, my experience tells me that you could benefit from individual therapy to help you work through some of your history, which could be causing you difficulty. If nothing else, a good therapist can help you move forward in a positive way and provide support. I hope this helps.
Please keep in touch with me and let me know what you decide to do.
Sincerely,
Ms. Vicki
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